Boundaries: Safeguarding the Sanctity Within

Shalom, dear fellow travelers on this journey we call life,

One of the best pieces of advice I received from my coach, Mordechai Sadeh, was “Put boundaries around your pain.”

Years ago, I was going through a particularly turbulent process and I found myself spinning in my own dark for what seemed like an endless amount of time. On the exterior I was (& am) pretty functional and on the interior I was experiencing my own hell of my own making.

Mordechai, is and was an amazing support and during one of our sessions he said this statement and it struck me so deeply. I actually have the capacity to put boundaries around this spinny tornado of poop I kept finding myself in. He knew me well enough to know that there was a part of me that enjoyed the stuckness and that the internal ‘woe is me’ has been a warm cozy melody I would use to stay in my own discomfort and rock my way back to ‘sleep’.

Of course Rabbi Nachman speaks abundantly about setting spaces for the broken heart (sichot haran 41) though there is always the ‘risk’ of going into ‘depression’. “The Rebbe emphasized this many times, telling us not to be brokenhearted except for a fixed time each day. Other than during that period, we should always be joyful; but depressed, never.” “It would be very good to be broken-hearted all day long. But for the average person, this can easily degenerate into depression.”

‘Pain’ isn't a mere sensation but an experience that can consume us if left unattended. It's the storm within the calm, the whisper amid the silence—an undeniable part of our human experience.

We see from the Rebbe that it is quite possible to quantify and qualify a space to feel, in short to create boundaries for the brokenness.

I knew intellectually that it is in fact possible, and Baruch Hashem with Mordechai's smile began to become something more than distant advice. “A person might go through terrible suffering and not be able to express what is in his heart. There is no one to whom he can unburden his heart, so he remains deeply pained and worried. If you come to such a person with a happy face, you can literally give him life. This is a great thing and by no means an empty gesture. (sichot haran 43)

The practice of setting boundaries around pain.

How we approach and navigate pain determines its impact on our lives. Much like building walls around a cherished garden to protect it from external harm, setting boundaries around pain becomes essential to safeguard our emotional and spiritual sanctity.

What does it mean?

In the realm of inner ‘work’, it's about recognizing that pain doesn't define us but shapes us. It's acknowledging the hurt without allowing it to consume our essence. Boundaries become the gentle reminders, the shields that allow us to embrace the pain, to acknowledge its existence, but not to let it overshadow the beauty within. To say hello and wave goodbye.

Establishing boundaries around pain isn't about repression or denial. Rather, it's an act of self-compassion and self-love. It's about creating a safe space within ourselves where pain can exist without controlling our narrative.

Sometimes, setting boundaries around pain involves acknowledging our limitations, embracing vulnerability, and seeking support when needed. It's a practice steeped in self-care and nurturance, honoring our emotions without letting them overpower us.

Practical Practices to Set Boundaries Around Pain

1- Physical- Establishing Physical Boundaries: Pay attention to your body's signals and reactions to pain. Practice physical boundaries by adopting relaxation techniques such as deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, or yoga. Even an Ice bath or cold shower or intense workout can be methods that can create a physical barrier that helps manage pain and reduce its impact on your body.

It is no secret that the gym has been my haven to work through different stuck points, the release of endorphins and space to ‘move’ has been extremely helpful and insightful. A high intensity workout will stop the mind from ruminating and thinking so much.

2- Mental- Mindful Acknowledgment and Acceptance: Practice begins with acknowledgment. By mindfully acknowledging the pain we experience, we allow ourselves to sit with it, observing its nature without immediate reaction or judgment. Mindfulness serves as the first boundary, creating a space to recognize and accept pain without entwining it with our identity. Allocate specific time periods to acknowledge and process your pain. This practice involves setting aside dedicated moments for introspection or reflection on your feelings. Once the time is up, consciously redirect your focus to other aspects of your life, thus establishing temporal boundaries around your pain.

For me, I found myself journaling extensively giving myself a space to park what I was going through. For a while, I found myself giving it voice and talking it out with myself. Once I can externalize what is internal it can give it more freedom to move.

3- Emotional- Saying yes to support: Establishing emotional boundaries is pivotal. It involves recognizing our emotional limitations and being assertive in seeking support when required. Boundaries aren't about isolation but about acknowledging when we need guidance or assistance. Seeking support from trusted individuals, mentors, or therapists reinforces these boundaries, providing us with the necessary tools to navigate pain with resilience.

For me, I needed to speak it out a few times with trusted individuals and friends in order for it to move. The ‘right’ friend will most definitely let you know once you start ‘wallowing’. Your brokenness has a place. Understand that. Embrace it. And give yourself the space to move WITH a helping hand. I would be no where without the countless people that have sat next to me and listened, find your people that can hold the space. They exist.Remember, setting boundaries around pain is a deeply personal journey. These practices serve as potential tools to help you navigate and manage pain while creating a supportive environment for healing and growth.

4.- Spiritual- Learn, learn and learn some more. BH there is enough out there in the Torah world, where we can learn how to elevate our pain as a part of the collective. It is possible, and it will happen.

For me, I need to engage with something higher bigger and more transcendent than myself and that will keep me out of my own stuckness.  It helps, when you allow it to.

To close, I’ll leave you with this principle that carries me BH

My pain is my responsibility, your pain is your responsibility.  

Thus, My boundaries around my pain is my responsibility.

My hope and wish is that we, as a collective, embrace a deeper understanding of pain while nurturing the sanctuary within.

With blessings and warm regards,

-Moshe Haim