Dear Wandering Jew,
BS’D
Shalom!
Elul is here!
The season of return.
A time where we embrace the King in the field ( or desert).
A space of sacred intimacy that calls back—not just to the external practice of tradition (sephardi selichot anyone?), but to the deeper parts of myself.
שִׁבְעָה דְּבָרִים נִבְרְאוּ קוֹדֶם שֶׁנִּבְרָא הָעוֹלָם, וְאֵלּוּ הֵן: תּוֹרָה, וּתְשׁוּבָה, וְגַן עֵדֶן, וְגֵיהִנָּם, וְכִסֵּא הַכָּבוֹד, וּבֵית הַמִּקְדָּשׁ, וּשְׁמוֹ שֶׁל מָשִׁיחַ.
According to Pesachim 54a, seven things were created even before the world itself: the Torah, Teshuva, the Garden of Eden, Gehenam, the Throne of Glory, the Temple, and the name of the Messiah. We see from here that “Teshuva” Returning/Repentance, is not merely a ‘rabbinical’ human initiative, but a divine Gd-given process woven into the very fabric of existence, established before creation itself began. On par with Gan Eden, Hell, and the Torah itself!
We can follow that before Hashem created Adam, there was already a preordained call, a fundamental direction ingrained in reality's essence, urging us to come home, to return. There were elements and shards that wanted to be returned and there was a hardwired direction for return & restoration.
This impulse towards return, towards the klal, whether we are speaking about the vast trauma of creation itself on a macro level or the personal trials and tribulations of childhood on a micro level—whether these experiences are tangible or imagined, literal or metaphorical—all perceived realities of separation (the act of creation itself) there is a basic fundamental rhythm that seems to beckon us back to a process of returning.
My teacher, Simcha, was the first to describe it as coming home. That at our core, after the breaking through the husks, we all long to hear the unifying sound of the shofar of the Mashiach.
Once again, I find myself on the journey of rediscovering and relearning teshuva. It’s also fundamentally a process of looking at who & what I am in the face of teshuva. As 5784 comes to a close, something new is born. What is birthed is a prayer for restoration and reclamation—a hope that this time, the process will be more wholehearted and kinder. A prayer to be more merciful with ourselves & others.
To bring this understanding of teshuva/returning into the microcosm of daily life, I want to explore some personal insights, particularly for the men who find themselves entering Elul once again.
Here are some things I have learned about the different parts of the child within me, which might resonate with others as well:
He yearns for love, safety, and belonging.
He looks to others to help discern his own sense of self worth.
He feels conflicting feelings such as frustration and grief and needs a healthy outlet
He is really trying hard to be okay & also wants to be liked.
He has done a considerable process in getting to know himself.
There are still angles to his traumas that he has yet to discover and he is curious to learn.
He wants to be found & there are parts of himself that experience themselves as lost, waiting, & longing.
He experiences collective exile as well.
The journey of teshuva is a function of turning, not away from, but toward myself, toward the fragments of my spirit that have been scattered and neglected, forgotten in the endless search for something outside that might make me feel whole.
Sound familiar?
Let’s explore a bit deeper
.
In the teachings of the Rambam, the process of teshuva (repentance) involves three essential steps: regret ("yis’nachem al she’avar"), confession ("l’hisvados bi’sfasav"), and commitment to change ("she’ya’azov ha’choteh chet’o … vi’yigmor b’libo she’lo ya’asehu ode").
These steps are not merely acts but can become deeply intimate mile markers, allowing us to explore and engage with aspects of ourselves that may not always align with a higher purpose.
Teshuva, therefore, can be experienced both on a surface level, supported by current structures and practices, and as an immersive, transformative process—a journey toward inner freedom where we connect with our fragmented parts and seek integration and healing.
This threefold structure finds a powerful parallel in the teachings of the Baal Shem Tov Noach 110. שמעתי ממורי ביאור סוד א"ב וכו' ואיך שצריך לעשות בכל תבה הכנעה והבדלה והמתקה
The Baal Shem Tov outlines another three-step process: submission (hachna'ah), separation (havdalah), and sweetening (hamtakah).
According to this teaching, to truly connect with the fundamental elements of creation—the "letters" or building blocks that shape reality—one must first undergo these stages.
The process begins with a humble submission to reality, acknowledging our limitations and finitude, however painful that may be.
The second stage involves discerning and separating ourselves from what distracts or detracts from our noble vision and purpose.
Only after these stages of self-awareness and moral clarity can we reach the final stage of sweetening, where we elevate and transform our experiences, finding the hidden sparks of holiness and light within them.
Let’s see if we can draw a parallel between the two or explore how they may relate. Both teachings highlight a threefold process that guides us from a place of self-awareness and humility, (Hachna’a/Charata) through discernment and separation (Havdala/Vidui), to a place of elevation and transformation (Kabbala la’atid/Hamtaka). It can be separated by the external acts of the Rambam and the interior space of the Baal Shem Tov, or even could be two simoultaneous processes superimposed on top of each other. There seems to be though a symetry of the 3 fold process—one that mirrors the very fabric of creation itself (Tzimtzum, Shvira, Tikkun).
It suggests that teshuva is not only a return to one's true self but also a reenactment or being a cocreative participant within a divine process that was woven into the cosmos even before the world was created. Put plainly- My teshuva is a part of the worlds teshuva. The direction of return reverberates through every dimension.
By aligning the steps of teshuva with the teachings of the Baal Shem Tov, we recognize that returning to our essence involves both inner work and a broader cosmic alignment. Teshuva becomes more than a path of repentance; it is a holistic process of reconnecting with the divine blueprint of existence, transforming bitterness into sweetness, and finding wholeness through the very steps that make us human.
A global Call of the Shofar on the collective Journey to Home
Teshuva, "return," goes beyond the return to rules or rituals; it is return to the essence of who I am—the core that has remained intact, even when wholeness has felt distant and elusive.
It is return to a place of clarity and intention, a recognition that this world was created for the purpose of returning and creating a dwelling place for the Divine presence in the lowest realms (dirah batachtonim).
In this way, teshuva guides us back to the central, singular point where creation and Creator meet once again—a place where they "kiss" in a moment of profound reunion. This very act is an expression of redemption.
Returning in a Post Traumatic World
Rabbi Nachman teaches in Likutei Moharan 6: וּכְשֶׁבָּא לְטַהֵר אֶת עַצְמוֹ וְלַעֲשׂוֹת תְּשׁוּבָה, אָז הוּא בִּבְחִינַת אֶהֱיֶה, הַיְנוּ שֶׁיִּהְיֶה לוֹ הֲוָיָה בָּעוֹלָם, הַיְנוּ אֲנָא זָמִין לְמֶהְוֵי.
"
Before repenting, a person does not truly exist; it is as if they have no real presence in the world. Indeed, it would be better if they had not been created (Eruvin 13b). But when one begins the process of purifying themselves and making teshuva, they enter into the state of Ehyeh—'I am prepared to be.'"
To exist in a world after trauma, I must continuously return to and draw strength from the One that exists before and after the trauma occured. I draw from the name Ehiye the name associated with pretrauma- the aspects that are not affected by the traumas of this life! Teshuva is the integrative therapeutic medicine to the illnesses of life.
The return is redemptive by nature: As the Rambam taught, וְאֵין יִשְׂרָאֵל נִגְאָלִין אֶלָּא בִּתְשׁוּבָה. וּכְבָר הִבְטִיחָה תּוֹרָה שֶׁסּוֹף יִשְׂרָאֵל לַעֲשׂוֹת תְּשׁוּבָה בְּסוֹף גָּלוּתָן וּמִיָּד הֵן נִגְאָלִין
"Israel will only be redeemed through Teshuva. The Torah has already promised that, ultimately, Israel will repent towards the end of her exile, and immediately, she will be redeemed" (Hilchot Teshuva 7:5).
Teshuva is not just an individual journey; it is the collective pathway through which the world is healed and redeemed. It is the promise of return, embedded in the very fabric of creation.
Teshuva: An Inclusive process:
How do we approach this return when we are aware that כִּ֣י אָדָ֔ם אֵ֥ין צַדִּ֖יק בָּאָ֑רֶץ אֲשֶׁ֥ר יַעֲשֶׂה־טּ֖וֹב וְלֹ֥א יֶחֱטָֽא“There is no righteous individual on earth who does only good and never does wrong” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)?
Even in our striving, we recognize our imperfections, our missteps, and the places where we fall short.
The beauty of teshuva lies in its inclusivity—it's a call to everyone, a recognition that each of us, no matter how far we have strayed, is invited to return home.
In the depths of Kabbalistic thought, returning to one's innermost self means reaching toward something much deeper and transcendent. Shem Tov Ibn Falaquera, a Jewish Spanish philosopher, explains, "Whoever knows his soul knows his Creator, and whoever is ignorant of knowing his soul is ignorant of the knowledge of his Creator… Therefore, they said that the knowledge of the soul is prior to the knowledge of God" (Sefer ha-Nefesh). Similarly, Yosef Ibn Tzadik teaches, "By knowing his own soul, man will know the spiritual world, and from there, he can attain some knowledge of the Creator, as it is written, 'From my flesh, I shall perceive God'" (Job 19:26, Ha-Olam ha-Katan).
To return home when called, is not merely to repent for specific actions but to tenderly acknowledge all the places where I have fallen short, not only in behavior but in my relationship with my own soul. It is a recognition that teshuva touches every layer of our existence—physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual. It is the path back to wholeness, not by denying but by embracing & integrating the fragmented parts into a fuller sense of self.
Hashem, in His infinite compassion, gifted us a way to re-engage with the letters and fabric of creation.
Just as the letters of the Torah are the building blocks of reality, teshuva allows us to reconnect with the foundational elements of our being, to realign ourselves with the divine purpose woven into every thread of existence. A reminder that the journey home is always open, and the path back is always available. Always.
The call of the shofar—a cry from the depths of our souls, awakening us to the realization that we are always invited to come home, to return to the sacred point where Creator and creation meet.
The process of teshuva is hardwired into the cosmos, embedded in the very design of existence. It is both the path to redemption and the redemption itself—the act of turning back to our essence, knowing that in every return, we are already beginning to heal, to transform, and to be made whole again. As we answer this call, we participate in the ultimate purpose of creation: to bring heaven and earth together, to sanctify every moment of existence with the profound recognition that we are already, always, in the process of returning.
As I reflect on my own journey, on a human level, I acknowledge that I have not always strengthened my inner boundaries to hold a safe space for my inner child.
This inner child, who still searches for love, safety, and belonging, has often been exposed to the storms of self-doubt, judgment, and relentless seeking.
There have been moments when I have not treated this little being within me with the care it needs.
There were times when I allowed the harsh inner critic to speak louder than compassion, not trusting the gentle voice that simply wanted to feel loved, seen, and safe.
This inner child has, at times, found various ways to be heard—sometimes through acting out, sometimes through numbing its voice. Deceiving himself that external validation will suffice for internal well being. WIth cravings of validation and a lack of guidance, he virtually and psychically builds a new world or matrix of how to achieve love, safety and belonging, which of course will strengthen the stunted internal belief system. He resourcefully creates the reality that fits his wounded child needs and employs tactics to keep this reality going.
Perhaps that’s why sinning against the self can be quite chaotic, a little boy continuously ‘missing the mark’ on love, safety and belonging can be quite devastating.
We hear often that true healing and transformation happen from the inside out, but perhaps I missed this lesson along the way.
As a result, this lost little boy, craving validation, didn’t receive the guidance on what a healthy sense of belonging looks like or how important boundaries are for feeling secure.
Instead, he created his own reality, a world built around the need for external validation, which only strengthened his internal beliefs that love and acceptance must be earned or sought outside.
Now, as I walk this path of teshuva, I am learning to create boundaries that are not walls but arms, wrapping around my inner child, holding him gently.
These boundaries do not shut the world out, but instead, they keep me anchored within myself. I am learning to say “no” to the old habits and patterns that hurt me, the ones that seek quick comfort at the cost of deeper peace. I am learning to say “yes” to the quiet, to the stillness, to the soft whispers of my heart that invite me to stay, to listen, to heal.
Every day, I am practicing how to speak kindly to myself. To replace criticism with curiosity, to replace harshness with understanding. I imagine speaking to my inner child as I would to my daughter, with the same gentleness, the same encouragement. I tell him, “You are enough, exactly as you are,” and, “You don’t need to earn love; it is your birthright.” Slowly, I feel the shift within me—a growing sense of peace, a quieting of the desperate urge to seek validation from others.
If you’re still reading this, take a breath and imagine what that is like?
Yes, there is fear, too—a sober fear of relapse, of slipping back into old ways, of falling into the familiar patterns that once felt safe but were, in truth, just a different kind of lost.
This fear is real and it sits with me, like a shadow, reminding me of the pull of the past, the lure of easy escapes.
But I have learned that fear can be a friend; it signals the depth of my commitment, the gravity of this journey.
I don’t push the fear away. I hold it with the same compassion I am learning to hold my inner child.
Think of how the Baal Shem Tov 3 step process may apply,
I know that fear is a sign that I am moving toward something vital, something meaningful. It is not a sign of weakness but of caring, of wanting more for myself, of choosing to show up for this work every day, even when it is hard, even when it feels uncertain.
BH- On some of the recent elul mornings, as I walk with my daughter beneath the open sky, I find myself singing with her, “Modeh Ani Lefanecha” — a simple, heartfelt expression of gratitude.
It’s a reminder of the faithfulness the Creator has in me, to take another step on this earth, under this sky, to return, to begin again.
Hashem gives me another day to create a reality to bear testimony to his Oneness to actively choose ‘return’, every day. Just for today.
To practice teshuva in the quiet spaces of my own heart. To return to the parts of myself that feel most fragile and most in need of care. To recommit to holding my inner child with love and gentleness, to guide myself toward a love that is not contingent on external validation but flows from the deep well of who I am.
This path is not straightforward; it is a winding road with many turns, and sometimes I stumble. There are days when the pull to seek comfort outside of myself is strong, when the old ways beckon with their false promises of relief. But there are also days of light, when I feel the presence of the sky above and the earth below, and I know I am exactly where I need to be. Days when I sense that the sky is indeed watching, the earth is indeed holding, and they are bearing witness to my striving, my moments of turning back toward myself, toward wholeness.
To embody teshuiva is to relinquish perfection; it is about presence. It is about turning back toward myself, over and over again, knowing that each time I do, I become a little more whole. I am finding that I can hold both the fear and the courage, the stumbling and the striving, the moments of clarity and the moments of doubt. Teshuva is guidance inholding my own complexity.
With practice, I am finding a deeper connection to myself, to the child within who is slowly coming to understand that he is loved, not for what he does or how he performs, but simply because he exists. I am discovering a peace that comes not from the absence of struggle, but from the willingness to keep returning, to keep choosing myself, to keep singing gratitude with my daughter, and to keep feeling the earth beneath my feet and the vastness of the sky above.
This is my teshuva. This is my journey of return. And here I am, in all my striving and all my seeking, held by a love as vast as the sky and as steady as the earth, taking each step with a heart full of faith and a spirit open to the endless possibilities of becoming whole again.
With love and blessings for the new year,
Your fellow wanderer
P.S. Trust is a journey, not a destination. Be patient, dear ones.
P.P.S. Healing and self-discovery continues. If you feel the call to deepen this work, to truly step into the light of your own being, I invite you to join us at the next Hineini Retreat. It’s a sacred space where these shadows can be fully explored, embraced, and transformed. Come, be a part of a community that supports you in this dance of reclamation and renewal. You deserve it.
